“Yohoho and a bottle of grog, me hearties” Enunciated Jonny Depp in pure mid-Atlantic Mockney, arguably the worst pirate accent in Hollywood. Amber rolled her eyes, inwardly.

He stood, elaborately piratical with black eye-liner, leather tricorn hat and sailor tattoos. His eyes gleamed intensely beneath his kiss-me-quick seaside rasta wig, he twirled his waxed moustache.

“Shiver me timbers, mi’lud, don’t send me down to the stripey hole. For I am a Pirate of the Caribby-anne and must do what Pirates do – robbery and treason on the high seas, rape, pillage, cattle rustling and the smuggling of small domestic dogs into ecologically-sensitive Antipodean Continents.

Amber held up her hand. “You need to take this seriously, Jonny. Please just read the statement they wrote for us”

Jonny throws his cutlass to the floor in a fit of pique and reads the apology in a contemptuous sing-song voice “Australia is a wonderful blahblah Island with a blahblah treasure trove of unique plants, animals and blahblah…”

Bella Basura
July 2016

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