Hello, I don’t know you and you don’t know about me, yet.
I used to be unemployed, well, self-employed but I really never had that much work . The dole kept me just about afloat. And I’d heard about all these new schemes that they’re bringing in, but I didn’t really think that much of it.
Then I got called for a restart interview.
I was reliably informed that as a compulsive shirker I was compelled to join a government sponsored brain-washing and re-education propaganda program .
The very polite, but sadly deluded young woman behind the desk lead me through the maze of amazing new schemes I could be entitled to join. Like the ”doing somebody-else’s job for no pay “ scheme, the “let’s play work ! pretending to have a job “ scheme and the infamous “Eat-shit-sucker” scheme. My client advisor behind the desk intimated that she herself had been on a “snoop or die “ placement scheme and had grassed up so many dole fraudsters, mainly her friends and neighbours, in her first week , that she was promptly offered real full time employment at the DSS .
I vaguely expressed an interest in word processing…..
The upshot was that I got enrolled on this Godseekers Allowance Pilot Scheme.
I get an extra tenner a week in my giro, and unlimited access to one of fifty state-run word processors in my area . There are no restrictions on what I type into the word processor, no restrictions on what I print, photocopy or mis-spell .
The catch is that to qualify for Godseekers Allowance I have to work at one of these state-run word processors full-time, on a fifty year contract .
Which is why I’m sitting here, at this screen at this very moment, typing an imaginary letter to an imaginary friend .
There are fifty of us on the Cambridge area pilot scheme, and there are some twenty pilot schemes across the country. In terms of sheer numbers that’s well about…..
I suppose you’ve heard the one about : If a thousand monkeys bashed away at a thousand typewriters for 50 years , one of them would produce a controversial best-selling previously unpublished New Age edition of the bible.
I don’t believe it myself, where’d you find a thousand monkeys willing to do that kind of work ? Even for an extra tenner a week .