“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a person in possession of a long-term vegetarian habit, must be in want of a bacon buttie” I was thinking, as I browsed the vegan meats section in the supermarket, when I suddenly spotted the fake bacon rashers on special offer. The gleaming strips of firm pink flesh and soft white fat lay side by side in the plastic tray looking for all the world like real bacon rashers.

I had no qualms, I’d already tried fake bacon lardons by the same brand and although it wasn’t at all bacon-like it had worked well in a fake Carbonara. Both the texture and flavour were off, it was flaky and had a strong salted taste of smoked fish. The fake bacon lardons wasn’t at all bacon-like, but it was pleasant enough and indeed satisfied a 30 year long craving for kippers that I never even knew I had.

I was keen to see what else I was missing.

At the checkout the cashier laughed “What is THAT?” she asked “fake bacon” I replied. “It looks like they let a 5 year old make it out of play-doh” She laughed again.

“I’ll let you know” I said.

And so for brunch today, I decided to do myself a proper fry-up, mushrooms, baked beans, linda macartney bangers, tomatoes, scrambled tofu, hash browns, wholemeal toast, a big mug of black tea and the fake bacon rashers, an all day vegan full english to write home about. I decided to fry  the fake bacon (as per the instructions on the packet) in the same pan as the mushrooms – two beautiful big open-cup portobellos sliced in fat wedges, I was looking forward to mopping up their black oily ink with the doorstop thick slices of organic wholemeal toast. The mushrooms had been sizzling away and were just getting there when I plopped in the fake bacon rashers, and in that moment brunch just went to shit. Two minutes each side (as per the instructions on the packet) and the fake bacon literally turned into actual fried play-doh, it rendered into stringy knots of white and pink twine, which melted, stuck, and sucked up my lovely mushroom jus. It indelibly coated the bottom of my frying pan in candy-coloured fibrous sludge. I think it might have permanently damaged the stainless steel.

Now, I think it is almost impossible to ruin a fry-up, you can slightly burn, over crisp, or blacken but it’s a fry-up so its always good anyway. Believe me,  this was, without a doubt, the worst fry-up of my entire life.

I was thinking I’d tell the supermarket cashier that she was right about the 5 year olds play-doh fake bacon, but at least a 5 year old knows that bacon is food. I have a theory that the fake bacon was created on a 3D printer, under the direction of an A.I that hadn’t been told that the fake bacon was supposed to be cooked and eaten.

This is the future I see – Artificially intelligent fake bacon, eaten by anthropomorphs with 6 and half fingers that bend the wrong way, who have “serving suggestion only” written on their foreheads.