A Play for Voices
| Narrator: | In the crazy woman’s filthy flat the new temp from the Council Inspectorate Office was struggling with the old girl’s misconception about him. She seemed to think he was an actual inspector, a surveyor, even. She was asking awkward questions about her |
| Crone: | plaster condition, waterproofed inner coat and the cracked ballbearings. |
| Narrator: | Did she actually say cracked ballbearings? He wasn’t sure. He blustered through the memorised set response |
| Temp: | I need to reiterate that I am only conducting an audit of the property |
| Crone: | Like the domesday booke |
| Temp: | You’ll need to report any repairs to the council |
| Crone: | An inventory of all King William, Arch Duke of Cambridge and Normany’s, newly acquired lands and posessions. |
| Narrator: | He hadn’t really been listening. His mind had been elsewhere. On the slow puncture in his back tyre. And the cycle pump. |
| Temp: | The fucking cycle pump. |
| Narrator: | He blustered |
| Temp: | Reiterate…I’m only conducting an audit…report repairs to council… |
| Crone: | And the installation of the new front door, three years it took them. |
| Narrator: | She had to have her letter flap hanging off before they lifted a finger. Who would be so low as to steal his shitty cycle pump any way. |
| Temp: | I need to climb up into your loft hatch |
| Narrator: | He said. Back on Script now. Check the loft. Check the CO2 and smoke alarms.Photograph the boiler. It wasn’t her that done this to the bathroom. |
| Crone: | the paint just started falling off |
| Temp: | Was there mould? |
| Crone: | Mould? Was there mould? There was so much mould I had it coming out my ears. |
| Narrator: | Three house calls back the back tyre had completely deflated. That’s when he noticed some fucker had nicked his cycle pump. |
| Crone: | I didn’t even need to do any stripping, it just came off in my hand. |
| Temp: | Reiterate…conducting…report…council |
| Narrator: | He flustered as he thankfully backed out the front door, She said |
| Crone: | don’t forget to close the gate, I don’t want the cat getting out |
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